my ears are still ringing.

okay, so..my class attendance isn't perfect. far from it. okay, so the clothes i wear aren't ordinary. so i'm outspoken. so I cram and procastinate. so I don't look drab, meeek and forgettable. fine,fine.

the words..."minsan, napag-uusapan namin na sana di na lang kayo ang nakapasa ng UPCAT, kasi ang daming ibang deserving..." whoa. *double take* wait a sec, my jaw dropped.

i admit i will never be the old world's idea of a perfect student. i can't promise to be there on time, always, much less, be there all the time, but then, save for Math exams, I have never failed in any exam, or subject while in this university. just last week, i aced one of her exams. i've never submitted anything mediocre. i can't promise to make reports and papers on time, for i am a born crammer. :P

and suddenly i'm not good enough to be here.

for a university that prides itself for promoting individuality and embracing liberalism, this sudden declaration has got me stumped.

i will never be ms. goody to shoes, but i can assure you, i do not wear masks, or take credits for stuff i did not work for.

i can't believe it. the prof who uses 1950's data is begrudging me for having a life.

she, who seems to have locked herself to a bygone era, even added, "paano na kayong mga papalit sa amin dito?" i'm sorry, i do not have any plans of being like her. i intend to live in the present, thanks.

she, who prefers boring narrative presentations where practically no one listens(usually, you could even land that elusive 1.0, plus an extra .25 in the final grade), to theatrical ones, where everyone gets to have a good time (2.0 on the average). the key is, the more boring, the more lifeless, the better.

we're in UP for crying out loud.
and if she's going to begrudge me for HAVING A LIFE, so be it.
but i deserve to be here.

she just has to live with that.

or maybe she should take the other school's offer, they've been wooing her for so long. she'd probably be more at home there.


PINCH ME.

[come again :D]

I waited for the sun rise in a rooftop with a great view, considering where it was situated. underneath the stars... I felt..free, I wanted to dance around or just lie down, staring at the heavens until sleep claims me. we spent the entire time talking, sharing, where silences meant gazing out, reflecting, and just savoring the entire evening's events.

Okay, moment over. I was supposed to be in another rooftop, in another part of the metro, with a fluffy blanket and a picnic basket plus norah jones crooning in the background with HIM, instead, I was with my great friend, Ara, talking, contemplating, and just being with each other. it felt good. though the other rooftop did cross my mind a time or two..i have no regrets.

After an unproductive morning, highlighted only by Jan Dara, HE picked me up and we spent the afternoon shopping..for his suff, mostly, and there were the petty arguments that we both missed as much as we missed each other. Hahaha. He knew I loved dressing him up, and for the duration of the afternoon, I felt like Carson Kressley (of Queer Eye), which I enjoyed immensely. Being with him again, after quite a while, was, as usual, superb. It was ALMOST like before.

Then we went to his house to drop off the purchases and chill for a while. He wanted to pop the Eternal Sunshine for a Spotless Mind on the DVD, telling me that he purposely din't watch it in the cinema, because he wanted to watch it with me. (oopppsss, i already watched it, though, right,joel?;p)

Why? Because, he pointed out matter-of factly, maybe we could learn a thing or two from the movie. I wasn't really in the mood to watch anyway, since doing so again would blur the first time's memories, like someone else owned those memories, that even HE shouldn't intrude on. Atleast, I didn't want anyone else's footsteps there, as much as I din't share OURS with others. This time, it just din't feel right.

It’s a good thing someone called him to remind him of his dinner. Since I already made plans with Kay and the rest of the Saturday group, I was even bringing Ara along, so, I begged off. He then told me about the picnic he prepared for later (he knows me well :D).So, off we went to Nichè. It was fun, even if Ara was starting to make us laugh for all the wrong reasons.

As the evening progressed, thoughts I kept shaking off came back to disturb me. It really wasn't there. I've been trying, for so long, to convince myself that I might just be blinded. But then, here it is, again, staring right back at me in the face.

We may be so darn great in everything else, but the romantic relationship thing really isn't for us. I cannot fake it. We’ve both trudged deeper along the paths we've chosen. So much has changed. But then, we're still standing, though, barely, we’re still here. We will meet again, and we may never regain what we used to have but we have each other, albeit changed, albeit different...yet somehow, it will still be, comfortingly like before. Almost.

And so I decided to forego that romantic rooftop picninc and opted to stay with Ara, for I know she needed someone to listen, and just be there.

For that night, I was at peace. Like everything was in its place. While Ara, was sharing her thoughts, and HE was watching the Eternal Sunshine DVD, and while the rest of the Phillipines slept and dreamt of better lives…

I was in Ara's rooftop, feeling the breeze, taking it all in, and staring at the stars... I could almost hear Norah Jones' sultry voice croon..." I waited 'til I saw the sun, I don't know why I didn't come,I left you by the house of fun,I don't know why I didn't come, I don't know why I didn't come..."

Too bad there weren't any shooting stars.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Joel: I don't see anything I don't like about you.
Clementine: But you will! But you will,and I'll get bored with you and feel trapped, because that's what happens with me.


He watched it. I reminded him of Clementine. Told ya. ;P

[come again :D]

[come again :D]

he's back. i find myself drawn to him as i have always been before.

since that night where he just got back home and whisked me away from my friends and we ended up in that coffee place over at e.rod., nothing has ever been the same... and sometimes i desperately long for everything we had prior to that.

sheltered by one of the umbrellas outside,he insisted he had something he couldn't wait to tell me,amidst cars racing past...with the starless sky upon us..he ended the platonicity of our friendship. believing that i am somewhat commitmentphobic, he asked for the present. not tomorrow, just today. he saw how flabbergasted i was, how speechless. it would be a lie if i said that i did not see this coming. i did, yet i kept shaking it off. it would be such a bigger lie if i said that i had not wanted it. i did. super.

the moment the words were out, i did not know how to react. almost on impulse, one of my smiles flashed. i was attempting to hide my emotions and trying to convey a composed front, i was pleased yet disappointed, all at once. pleased with what he told me, disappointed that i did not feel the same way.

i did not feel anything, AT ALL. i believed, thought, knew and expected i would feel strongly the same...but i was totally. we were so damn great at everything else, i could not comprehend why on earth it was happening. i was in pieces,yet i could not show him.

i tried to cling on and feel something...even just a tinge.desperately so..to no avail.i haven't been able to tell him all of this though..everything came crashing weeks later, not solely because of my inability to reciprocate, but because the universe conspired against us.

it's been a while. what came after was a pathetic replica of the bond we once had. then he had to shuffle from here and back to the land of the free. and i've been submerged to piles of schoolwork. and then there's this one tiff we had before he left then that i may have not completely chewed on.

we haven't really had time to sit down and talk about stuff like we used to since then. he's been here and gone a number of times already. and i have coped.

he's back in town. invites have been sent. after how much we meant to each other and how strong our friendship was...i am tempted. sorely.

>
***might come up with a follow up***

[come again :D]

it's buwan ng wika,after all. let me try a hand at writing filipino-style.
couldn't go back to sleep. after 2 sleepless nights of getting ready,my mind was already set that i was going to present my research today...oh well.am i lucky or what? :D

BASAHIN NIYO NA...MINSAN LANG AKONG MAGSULAT SA SARILING WIKA :p
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kanina, narinig ko ang kantang 'out of my league'. hindi ko maiwasang di ka maisip bigla. di ba't isa ito sa mga unang kantang nabanggit mo sa akin noon? naalala mo pa ba?miyerkules din noong una tayong nag-usap. madaling-araw noon, pareho tayong kampante kasi wala tayong pasok pareho. halos sinikatan na nga tayo ng araw non, di ba?

naalala mo pa ba nung nag-carl's tayo at ang unang cookie star? :) (pati ang mga babaeng ayaw tayong tantanan para sa kanilang surbey-surbeyan)...alam ko, napapangiti ka na diyan. eh yung nung hinatid mo ako tapos antagal nating nag-aantay ng masasakyan mo dahil sa walang humpay na kuwentuhan tungkol kay barbie almalbis at kung anu-ano pa.

siyempre, hindi ko makakalimutan ang pagsundo mo sken nung naaksidente ako dahil sa ka-hyperan habang nagp-p.e.. naabala kita nun, pero di tulad ng iba, sumugod ka sa faura. naka-corporate ka pa nga eh.

matagal na panahon na pala ang nagdaan. buti naayos natin nang ganito,noh? nandyan yung pagtambay sa rob, o ang mga dramahan sa kung saan-saang bk, mapa-katipunan,dapitan, pero mas umaalingawngaw ang mga hagalpak ng tawanan natin...ng mga panggagaya niyo kay *** pag wala siya, o ang mga ba't hindi ka nagtetext episodes o ang panahon na umakyat ka sa entablado, at todo palakpak naman ako at kumanta para sa P300 na credits, pero..nakalinya ka naman.

naglakbay pa tayo tungo sa 'nayon' kung saan pareho nating di alam kung san tayo papadpad, at siyempre, ang pedikab ride (hangsarap!) at gamit mo pa nga si carolina herrera(mmm...),ang pagdalaw mo sa bahay na may sofa na(nagtampo ka pa nga kasi sabi ko,ikaw ang una), at ang lakad ng maytigang, ang bondingan sa ruptap kung saan naging nars ka at naligo si pretty woman sa harap natin matapos magtatakbo...o ang mga kabangengean ni ara..at mga pang-ookray sa kapusitan at ka-babaan...:P (itong banat na to ay para kay ara)

minsan,niyayaya kita, away naman tayo! (inggit kasi sa laging nagtatampuhan..hehe). kaso, hinahayaan mo lang akong mag-away mag-isa..:P ewan ko nga ba..baka yun ang sikreto nating dalawa. napagtyatyagaan mo ako..napakahaba kasi ng pasensya mo pagdating sa akin.

pag nagkikita tayo, lagi tayong may abubot para sa isa't isa. alam ko, gusto mo na ulit makatikim nung cookie na galing sa school.. ;) kelan kaya?

besh.antagal ko nang di nasasambit ang salitang ito. para kasing naging sagrado ang apat na letrang ito kay nette at jab, kaya nag-isip tayo ng sarili. tapos, nag-ojt ka. (at nagmaramot ang globe,hahaha) sabi mo,babawi ka. lumipat kami ng tirahan. dumating na ang sofa. at ako na ang nag-practicum. ngayon, thesis na. ikaw,ga-graduate na. magtwinkle-twinklean ka pa :P, o magkaanak ka man, ah,basta! madalang na tayong magkita. hinahanap-hanap na kita ;)


bebix,katok ka na!

[come again :D]

[come again :D]