this is the spin-off to the new if only, however, one does not have to do anything with the other.. :)
mush..mush..mush!
In a crowd of people who are replicas of you, I honestly believe that I’d be able to pinpoint the real YOU, out of all the clones. I would know…for we have this connection...unexplainable, yet proven. Given this situation, my heart, without a doubt, would lead me to you.
You, who amidst everything...would be there for me…waiting, with arms outstretched. If I were a performer, I am dead sure you’d watch my shows and that someone would applaud for me even if my acting sucked. If I were an athlete, I am positive that when I glance at the audience, you’d be there, with a banner, to cheer me on. Even if I was on a losing streak. If I were a singer, you would, without fail, clap your hands after every song...even if you’re the only one watching.
You, who, unfailingly never get tired of me and my countless tails of woe and tribulations over my current flame, or the lack of a lasting lovelife. You, who never fails to support me in whatever my plans are, unacceptable as they may seem to you. You, who, amidst my bullheadedness, never fails to remind me. You, who patiently listens to me bitch about how my day sucked, my gripes, my entire life.
You, who consistently believes in me, in who I am, and what I stand for. You, who never forgets these. You, who in no way gets sick or too tired to pay heed to my dreams, my frustrations, my plans, my wants, my fears. You have seen me in all my glory and imperfections. Yet you’re still there. Unwavering.
You have seen me cry uncontrollably, for countless times. You have witnessed me crumble to pieces, get shattered, pounced on, and stagger to rise again. You have seen me intensely happy, blissful, content, dreamy, hopeful, jealous, in a rage, sarcastic, defiant, rebellious, stubborn, weak, in love, frustrated, grieving, weary, strong, proud, jaded, damaged, peaceful, and hurt. You have watched me shine and you have seen me at my ugliest.
Surprisingly, you haven’t cringed at the sight of me. I have shown you the real me-entirely. Yet you haven’t been scared away. I am eternally thankful that you’re there. Strong. Steadfast. Loyal.
I am blessed to have you. If I were a pagan, having you would instantly convert me into believing that there truly is a God. I am unworthy to have a priceless gift such as you.
Thank you. I will never fully be able to express how indebted I am to you. You have given me another reason to go on when all I could think of is quitting. My thoughts would take me to you, and the reassurance that someone believes that I can, energizes me and wills me to fight, making it all worth it.
Thank you for unfailingly believing in me. Your faith has done miracles. Thank you for making me feel special..needed. I smile every time you ask for my opinion, since it truly makes me feel important. I get flattered every time you run to me. I am grateful that I am the one you choose to share your stories with. Thank you, for accepting me entirely, in all my colors, in all my aspects, in all my moods. It’s so darn difficult to find people capable of fully accepting another person that finding even just one is truly a Herculean accomplishment. Thank God I already have you. Thank you for sharing your family with me. I believe I now have relatives in Valenzuela. I bask in the opportunity of having your sisters, for me to feel how it is to have an ‘ate’ around, I do have one, but she’s so far. Knowing how your parents fuss over you makes me feel like I am being fussed over, too. Somehow, these little instances lessen my yearning for my own mom and dad. Thank you for making me an integral part of your life…of you.
On the outside, we don’t look alike. Our backgrounds are even different. You come from a thoroughly conservative family and I was brought up in a more liberal one. Appearance wise, you appear to be conventional, and I am definitely not. I am outspoken, and you could pass as a Dalagang Pilipina. I look devilish, you, angelic. There are a lot more, yet we find strength in our differences. We are different, yet alike.
Unavoidably, we’ve had our share of bad times. You drifted apart, like a boat being swept away by the strong current. We were both at fault. The good thing, though, is you held on. You found your way back. I’m glad you did. If the need to sail away arises, we both know that the other would be at the dock, waiting for the boat’s return. One would be strong when the other is weak.
If only it could ever be remotely possible for me to get off the straight path and hit the bi track, I would pursue you. Relentlessly. However, I am, as you are, as straight as a yardstick. No luck there :-D
If only you were born male, I’d pursue you. Relentlessly. I would never let you slip from my grasp. I wouldn’t be scared to shower you with my affection for I know you wouldn’t slither away due to intimidation, insecurities or even awe. I know you’d stay.
If only I was born male, I would ask you to spend forever with me. I’d get on my knees and beg you to marry me. I would give you everything and more. I would be your Ben Caldwell. However, I have come to terms with the fact that it is meant for us to be born females, biologically and otherwise. No luck there either. :D
I wouldn’t have it any other way, though. Why? For I know, that I will never lose you. Not to some other guy, not thru a breakup. And that is what matters. That I get to keep you. Thank God, we were born the way we are. Even if we get the are-they-a-couple kind of looks all the time when were together (and we answer with our own no-we’re-not looks of our own). Haha. Even if our friends might start to doubt on us...hahaha. We get a kick out of tripping on them though. The thing is…having you is better than having a boyfriend. (not that I don’t want one..hehe..in time.. :p). Right now, I am single, we both are. Yet I know I am not alone. I have you. You have me. Unbelievable, but I am content. I cherish the moments and things we share. There’s no rush to get hooked. Why mope around, when I have you? With you, I know, I am safe. Wanted. Loved. Taken cared of.
Siddharta Gautama, while pondering on man’s existence and suffering, deduced that instability and change is inherent in man’s existence. Change, however is not always bad. It is often difficult to let go, especially of things and people we have grown attached to, but let us remember that we, ourselves, are products of change. In the long run, we get by. We move on. Unless we live in the past, that is.
I have always maintained that I loathe losing people. That no matter what it takes; I would always try to keep them, no matter the cost, to make them stay, with me, and for me. I must admit, bullheaded that I am, that I have incessantly threw caution to the winds and pursued things my way. I never learn. However, it has already dawned on me that people don’t stay no matter what I do; try as I might, unless they want to. It doesn’t really matter if you give them your all, or not move an inch. It all boils down to them. If they want to stay, if they feel they have enough reason to. With that insight, I have stopped chasing over butterflies in an open field.
The urge to keep people has always been strong. Yet I have learned to curb it. For every departure, I still grieve. There are those who do not understand how affected I get over losing someone who has not shared that much time with me. But tine has never been a factor. It is the connection, its strength and depth. People who know me know to what extent I share myself. They have seen me grow and evolve from a brat to who I am now. Looking back, it is change that brought about all these. So I figured I should not loathe change, for it is inevitable, it is how we cope, that is relevant and essential. (note that even this article has to evolve and undergo change J )
Still, I have no regrets. I have made a lot of mistakes in the past, but I would not change any of those, for it would mean that I would not be who I am now. I am a product of those decisions and I like who I am. I would not be as strong as I am now, if not for all those goodbyes, tears and heartbreaks. Getting out of the war unscathed does not ascertain an accomplished warrior. It is how he let his wounds heal that I believe, should bestow him honor.
The painful part is being forgotten. I would rather be left behind, than be forgotten, and this realization has surprised me even. Being forgotten and brushed aside is the insult of insults. Specially if you have laid everything out on the table, all your resources and means, and yet, you have been snubbed and cast aside. That is truly a slap in the face. NO, let me rephrase that. That feels like being stepped on and then spit upon. It is only recently that I have concurred that I’d rather be hatefully remembered than being totally forgotten. I loathe ingrates, as much as I hate being left behind.
I cannot go on chasing over everything that comes my may. I would end up as an embittered, jaded person, mooning for those I cannot have, and hoping for yesterday to come back. It won’t happen. I have come to accept that. With these musings, I have decided to focus on those who are here, with me, for me, those who chose to stay, without being asked, and those who have unfailingly put up with me. They have been overlooked during my ‘wandering’ days, and it is but proper that I channel what I have to them, for they deserve it.
I have not forgotten that change is inevitable. Yes, there may come a time when I would have to part ways with them, but still, at one point, they stayed on their own volition. And that to me, means so much more, than those I had to chase all over for. I have always been aware with what I have, and what I can do. And that I have always given everything I can, even to the stretching to what I should not give in to. Cocky, yes, but undeniably true. No one can charge me with doing and giving too little or none at all.
There may be a thousand IF ONLY’s to be said. If only this, if only that. But I no longer have any room for such thoughts. It is but a waste of time. It’s high time we deal with the present and make the best out of the cards dealt to us. I have not turned into a harsh and hard replica of myself. I oppose such conclusion. I have merely learned to fend for myself. It’s a cruel world, as we all know. What you have today may not be yours tomorrow, but you can always count on yourself. I have decided to preserve myself so I would not turn into a mere shadow of who I am when the time comes. I have learned to be strong, without sacrificing who I am. I have turned weary, and I believe I need this. So much for opportunists and users, it’s about time I protect myself, to which most people would agree.
It is time to stop chasing over birds and butterflies in an open field. If they are meant to be mine, they would find their way to me, and rest assured, they are welcome, very much so. I am not saying I will never go out in the fields and run after them again, I might, but not for now, for I am bone tired and weary. I need to rest. At present, I am content to stare and revel in the beauty and happiness of those butterflies and birds who have sought me out to stay with me. With them I am at peace, at times, content even. I have been gone for a long time.
Pablo Neruda, the great poet, wrote,
“If suddenly, you forget me, do not look for me, for I shall already have forgotten you.”
By forgetting, you have accorded me the highest insult of all. You have not crunched my pride, but my whole being as well. I have no room for you, then. This holds true for me now. I do not have
time to chase or cry over you. I’d rather save all efforts for those who are worth it. I can only do and take so much. I am not angry. That would just cause me wrinkles. I honestly do not feel anything at all. It is a matter of acceptance of changes that transpired. There may be times that I would have longed for you. Do not fret, for I have mourned for you. This is how it is. People change. You chose to. Yet believe me, everything will be alright. I promise. J
I laid everything out. Everything was yours for the picking. You forgot. This is all in the past, however. The past, which no one could ever bring back. Change is predestined.
One thing’s for sure though. It would not be me uttering the words IF ONLY.
it's been months...and finally..after a 7 am ns4 class and 90 minutes of waiting for the next class, i have finally patched this up. so, here goes... -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do I prefer to go out with slightly older men? This I have constantly pondered, again..and again. I must admit, however, that I still have not come up with a definite answer. Let me clarify that I have not blocked or steered clear away from guys my age. I dated someone a year older than me a couple of months ago and..well, frankly, it got boring. maybe that's just it. Maybe, it's me.
I am an old soul. I was born on the wrong decade. (Talk about how my timing sucks..) I act mature for my age. I have heard these over and over again. But when I lean back for a while and start acting my age, it comes off to them as a shock. Weird.
Maybe I'm still a li'l girl, wearing my mom's pearls and clothes, with smudged lipstick all over my face, playing dress up, wanting sooo bad to be a grown-up. No, I don't think I am looking for a father figure, papa was around, very much so, and still is. Besides, my slightly older men are just old enough to be my uncles :P But then again, maybe I like to be treated as an adult and not as a scrappy kid. Scrap the maybe, that's for real.
Asked to choose between between seeds or a full-grown fruit bearing plant, I din't need much time to make up my mind. I'd rather have the grown plant, one that can stand on it's own, sturdy, for it has already survived catastrophes, seasoned, it has withstood the test of time, and it has already put down roots. You could lean against its trunk for support and seek shelter underneath its branches. A seed, however, needs constant attention and supervision. It needs someone to tend to it often, for it is helpless, vulnerable, dependent, needs to be nurtured, and is struggling to survive. If one picks a seed, there will be a lot of investments and sacrifices, and for both choices, there are no guarantees.
I am aware that the results and rewards of nurturing a seed to a fullgrown tree are priceless, and it does bring forth a powerful sense of accomplishment and triumph, as well as pride. It's like taking part in unfolding a mystery or having a hand in letting a bud bloom. In the long and tedious process, however, the seed might just die on you. Or one might lose interest, and just let go. I believe, also, that the attachment is much stronger, clingier in this scenario, as opposed to a somewhat mutual coexistence in the part of choosing a full grown tree. When a seed dies, you can't just replace it with another. Not that easy, for fear of this new seed to die on you, no matter how you nurture it. As for full-grown trees, you tend to it, because you want to, not because you have to. There is a slight dilemma,however. With seeds,it is all about being needed. But with full grown trees, how does need fit in? As I have mentioned earlier, it is a mutual coexistence of sorts. Both are separate entities that choose to be with the other. One is strong where the other is weak. Gawd, my analogy sounds like crap :D
Bottom line is, I know what I want and what I do not want. I want to be accepted, if not appreciated, for who I truly am. I can only be me, and I will not change unless I want to. I do not want to be dictated on, nor do I want to be just an ego-booster. I do have a brain, you know. Men, however, are not used to the likes of me. They're still accustomed to girls who say NO when they mean YES. Seems like they're stuck :)
I don't like being stereotyped. I don't like men who brag of their conquests, specially to their friends, and their prowess. Eeeek. I do not like weaklings, nor sloppy dressers. I like smart men, smarter than me, if possible. I like to be challenged. I wan someone who moves and not just talks. I rave when a guy smells good .It would be hypocritical of me if I say that looks don't matter.It does, just a bit. I'd rather watch the news than spend an entire evening with an ultra gorgeous guy who has a pea for a brain. I like automatic men..and those who tell me stuff voluntarily. I haaate liars..men who are all talk. Just tell me things straight,man. Sheez, spare me. I appreciate men who make time for me (to find time is good, but to make time is waaay better). I like men who share their worlds with me.
Now if you find a man, regardless of 'age' , who fits atleast what has been written above, then by all means, tell me! My point is, age is but a number. It is not a requirement for a guy to be 25 and up for me to date him It is who he is that matters. And how he takes me for me.Since women mature faster than men, I guess that explains why I end up liking biologically older men. :)
I could have just settled for the mediocre. Undoubtedly, I would be in a relationship right now if I did. I would have a constant partner to wherever I would want to go, a constant listener, a constant someone. Yet I know I would be wondering..and longing for more, and I refuse to cause such an injustice to anyone. I refuse to settle for the mediocre. I will not live in a pretense of a pathetic excuse of love. I know there is something better out there, something right...tingles and goosebumps and all. There is an idealistic side of me, after all. Is it wrong to want what one deserves? I think not. So, there may be a thousand, a hundred, twenty, ten, five,two, more slightly older men or otherwise in my life, still, I will not settle. I would rather wait. I do not think I am commitmentphobic, it is just that the proper opportunity, or person, for that matter, has not presented itself..yet.
Who knows, the guy for me isn't born yet? Or maybe, he's the guy who looks like Jason Webb. I know he is out there. Maybe we both aren't ready for each other yet. Who's hurrying, anyway? He'll find me and I shall wait. Who says I'm gong to be a shriveled and dried up old prune in the process? You wish! ;)
I've never dated any of my male friends ever. (exclude the entire HEY shebang, it's not included) To some, this gathers a reaction that is similar to that of tasting an exotic dish. I do not have any secret longing or sick desire towards any of my male friends...none at all, I assure you...even the closest ones. The thought has never entered my mind, sheez, it would be like committing incest. It has always been a given that I abhor losing people. Friends have a lower probability of vanishing into thin air.
There's this guy I met and he was soooo nice, we did start of with the romantic foot, but later I warded off his romantic advancements and insisted that we become friends instead. I don't think I ever told him why I opted for friendship. So incase he gets to read this, I'll tell you why. It is because I wanted him to stay. I wanted to keep him for this entire lifetime. Guess what? He's still here. We might not see each other as often as we used to, but I am complacent, as much as he is, that he's with me, no matter what the tide brings in. We could have tried it out as a couple, you say. We could have been and as sure as I am that I have been baptized Nenellie Cecille, we would have broken up already, and the damages incurred would have been irreparable. things would have never been the same, or maybe we could still be together, but at the price of one having to sacrifice his/her being. And so I say, I have no regrets, it’s far better this way.
I am not saying that friendship and dating don't mix. It is platonic friendship and romance that doesn't, obviously. There are men for dating, and there are those I keep as friends. Less confusing. Less complicated that way. Now, let us not belittle the men I go out with (right now, I choose to be by my lonesome, I need a breather :D ). Of course I do want to keep the one I'm dating. However, it always doesn't work out, and that's that. We end up wanting different things. I am still able to pull off the HALT/STOP sign and that's that. I guess there's a certain kind of something with these men, (read: malisya daw) that would not enable him to fall under the platonic friends list.
With the male friends, I could give them everything I've got..my entire being. Me. I could be weak, ultrasweet,silent, bitchy,moody,vulnerable,annoying,demanding, bossy, childlike,numb, silent...I could bare to them my soul, and they would not cringe. I could show up in frumpy clothes, trade clothing with them, no matter how gory,deep,dark, and dirty the stories get, no matter what time I call, or how far I need to go...whatever face I show, whatever mood I'm in, I am positive that I have them as much as they have me. For with them, I am not scared, to them I am fully attached, rooted, even. There is no fear of being shunned, misunderstood, of losing them. They are not clouded with desire and stuff that tends to make people go blind, deaf and craaazy. I can give my all out without fear of prejudice or rejection. Security is never absent, and constant they are, and will always be, ups or downs, here of there, today or tomorrow. There will be no Houdinis,no Pinocchios, no heartbreaks, no bigots, no departures.
I once have been asked by my then, my last boyfriend actually, (read: last boyfriend: 18 months ago :D) to choose between my friends or him. Though I truly truly loved him so much at the time, I chose my friends. Giving them up would mean giving who I am up. My friends constitute a considerable part of who I am, and getting them out of the picture is like venom..or eliminating oxygen...it would kill me little by little...it would be depriving me of a vital part of me, and I cannot and will not allow that, no matter who asks, for it is my being, my growth that is being blocked. I will not sacrifice who I am to be with someone I love.
I hold my friends in the highest esteem. They are those I guard,protect and shield like a Mord-Sith, and fuss over like a mother hen. Considering how territorial I could be, as long as I am me, no one..nothing can come between us. No one can touch them.
So when I offer anyone friendship, I mean it. I do not just give out offers, for now obviously, you know what my friendship entails. Do not be insulted when I ask us to be friends instead, for I am bestowing upon you the utmost regard. I am taking you out of the battlegrounds, out of the frying pan, out of the arena, and into a safe chamber, my inner sanctum. Consider this, where are all those men I've dated? Gone. Erased. Deleted. Coped from. Buried. Hanged. Where are the friends, here. Always. here to stay. With me. For me. Now, why would anyone want to go out and be the guy I'd date? I wonder.
------------------------- for now, the guy-I’d-date position is not yet open. let me breathe for a while. and yes, I am waiting for that guy who would be able to turn the red lights green. (for that I am open) :P friends, are as always, welcome, provided you are not a mirage or a nightmare. drifters, are okay, but with limited benefits.
------------------------ pauso lang to... gutom lang siguro. :D
For the past couple of days, I have (yet again) been referred to by those who know me, as the coping queen (bow down, you lowly servant :P) which is essentialy, true. If asked how one should cope, I have one simple answer. One must want to. With that, everything follows. I may sound harsh, or bitter, but that's how it is. letting go or holding on is a matter of choice. Even I can only do so much. I always make it a point to make things work, it hs actually become an almost-obsession. You know as much as the sky is blue that Neng is proud and refuses to give up, that giving up is the last resort. I would always give it my all, my everything as you well know. Think of the countless times you've given me lectures to stop things and move on..the countless times you have wanted to bang my head on the door so reason would sink in. Yet, as usual, I would subbornly refuse to. It never fails to be a surprise (to you or me,I'm not sure) when after much ado, I stop. I let go.
Stubborn, I admit to that. Selfish, probably. I could be accused of trying too much but charging me with not trying at all is a blatant lie. You must understand,however that if I keep holding on forever, I would turn into an ultrajded, pathetic, embittered biatch that even I would not want to be me. After I have exhausted every possibility,after letting out the last trickle, then, I stop. Most of the time, I wait. As long as I see someone I could hold on to, even if it's just a flicker of hope, you all know that I would be like a fish that rises to the bait. There are even times that I would mislead myself into believing that things would still work out, so as to somehow, glue things back together. At times, I would wait until the other person's need, desire, interest, or whatever it is, to wane, until. Cases like these, I must say, are the easier ones. I would not be harangued by thoughts of how that person is coping, for I am at ease that they would be fine.
My coping skills were never in question. I believe there were those who forgot that I could live without them and be whole. Sorry to disappoint you, but I have and always will. They may have gotten that precise idea, however, but they let it get to their heads. Do not be too complacent. Never assume the obvious is true. Never take things, especially people, for granted. You never know, once you lose them, they won't be coming back. Keep in mind however, that I always intend to stay.
I hate losing people. I loathe losing people. One must never disregard that fact. And letting go, no matter how much needed it is, pains me. But I have learned, however. One must steel oneself to things such as this, or suffer losing oneself. Separations are inevitabele. And yes, I have learned to let go. And I have learned to say stop, otherwise, I would be ruined. There are times when I would feel like a doormat, stepped on and tattered, yet, the thing is, I got out. I have been able to preserve who I am. I have learned to step down the carousel. :)
Being the coping queen has its downside, however. Once I let go,there is no turning back. And, ys, this has a hint of selfishness. I would not want to submit myself to anoher ride in the sick cycle carousel. I got out, I should not get back in. Coping would lose its purpose altogether. That is precisely why I have been so careful, so unwilling to let go. It does sound selfish, but keep in mind that I tried. That I would have fought tooth and nail for it to work, and that I would be prompted to let go if I am sure tht the other person has already given up and no longer believes in me, or has failed to notice my existence. I refuse to be a tattered, broken replica of my former self. There will be others who will need me, and I intend to be intact, for them, and most of all, I would want to remain being me. Once I let the rope go, once I let go of my hold entirely, there is no turning back. I will not pick it up, nd get srangled an killed in th process. I have no regrets. I'm not the coping queen for nothing.
<the title of this piece has been lifted from the jars of clay song of the same title. :D click here for lyrics this is an excerpt of an email i sent to a friend. (jan,miss na kita!)
for some reason, it has dawned on me that maybe i am not really ready to have another person in my life. to share me, myself and my entire being with another human. to make and find room for another person to fit in my life. ive gotten so used to not having to answer to anyone with all the decisions i make. not having to inform and consult another person for what i have/want/need to do. not having to get home earlier than i should be.not having anyone 'control and limit' me.
the fact that i see these things as deprivation, being limited, confined, controlled is enough proof that i am not ready yet. dontcha think? ive gotten so used to carefree relations, 'for now' relations that i am not sure i could put down roots and invest.
i am scared,i suppose. scared to death of having to uproot myself. scared of having to untangle myself and replant. rebuild. i am not sure if this is what you call trauma :D
but then again, i wonder. what if i meet someone who could make me spin? who could make my heart race and make me feel tingly and all? someone who would make me feel like i could want to leave all this to be with him? someone who could make me want to throw caution to the winds and just go with it? someone who i would want to risk all these comforts of singlehood? someone i would want to wrap my entire being around with? obviously, the operative word is WANT. for now, i do not WANT to. maybe i'm not ready yet.
